Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
MIDGETS
????
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
