god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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