I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
