one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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