You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
