if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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