Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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