you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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