sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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