I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
