I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
