I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
