I cannot find my penis.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
