You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
