I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize