Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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