my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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