I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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