You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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