I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
