the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
