I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
