i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
