Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
