so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
