I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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