Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
