How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
