why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
