I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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