Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
