my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
