I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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