More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
two words...techno handjob
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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