I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
