He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
