Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
