is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
