So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
