there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't deserve a penis
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
