Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
