sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
