My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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