If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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