No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
