thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
