my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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