Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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