i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How's work?
Spinning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
