I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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