im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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