apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
