i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
