Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
