i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
